


Mystery Science Theater 3000: Episode 11XX: Wrong Movie (Unfinished)

by StrongBrush1



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Gen, MST3k-Style Riffing, Porn Watching, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 13:11:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17023209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrongBrush1/pseuds/StrongBrush1
Summary: Excerpts from the lost episode of MST3K: The Return. When Kinga and Max accidentally order the wrong movie to screen to Jonah and the bots, MST3K gets an unexpected adult twist. Will this be the movie that finally breaks our heroes?





	Mystery Science Theater 3000: Episode 11XX: Wrong Movie (Unfinished)

**Author's Note:**

> While no actual sex is being depicted in this story, (at least, not unless this thing gets an extensive rewrite), I am labelling it as Explicit because of some visual content, and a reference to female-on-female rape. Also, yes, the porn movie I'm referencing in this story is real, and yes, I watched it (ONLY for reference), and yes, it is every bit as bad as one would expect.

The Satellite of Love, as usual, was abuzz with activity. While Gypsy handled the satellite’s upper functions, Jonah, Crow and Tom were busy having a discussion about Calvin and Hobbes. Somehow, both robots had acquired podiums to stand behind, because it’s not truly a debate if you’re not standing behind a podium.

“I’m just saying,” said Tom, “that a game with rules that are constantly changing, or being added, hardly constitutes the traditional concept of a game.”  
“It’s not supposed to be traditional,” said Crow, shaking his head. “The entire point of Calvinball is that the aim of the game is to make up the rules as you continue playing, kind of like a long-form improv for sports.”  
“But what happens when these rules start contradicting each other? Eventually, if this game goes on long enough, the entire facade of playing a game will simply give way to disorganized chaos! I’m surprised Hobbes never decided to just maul Calvin and get it over with!”  
Jonah stepped in. “Tom, I’m gonna have to correct you there, Hobbes was just a stuffed animal to which Calvin assigned a snarky, but lovable personality which just so happened to contrast with his own worldview.”  
Crow suddenly had a thought. “So that would mean Calvin wasn’t actually playing an organized two-player game which just so happened to have nonsensical rules, he was just a lonely kid playing around with a stuffed tiger doll and making up whatever activities he could come up with!”  
Tom raised his hand. “Objection: if Hobbes was not a real tiger, then how did he perform so many real-world actions such as pouncing on Calvin whenever he came home, or firing a toy dart gun at Calvin’s head?”  
Crow smacked his metal hand against the podium. “Counter-objection: the entire comic is told from the perspective of a six-year-old boy with a rebellious streak. He’s clearly an unreliable narrator!”  
Jonah once again played moderator. “Well, not the entire comic. Certain sections of the comic were definitely from Calvin’s warped perspective, but much of the mundane action suggests that there is a reality in which Calvin lives.”  
Tom piped up. “So the entire debate hinges on how much of the Calvinball sequences are based in the reality of the comic.”  
Crow joined in. “So there’s only one way to settle this debate: We have to contact Bill Watterson and establish what in the comic is and is not true!”  
Jonah stepped in once again. “That might be easier said than-” Jonah looked up and saw a giant black tube descend from the ceiling, right towards him. “Oh boy.” Jonah could only scream for dear life as the tube forcefully ejected him from the satellite.  
“Perhaps,” said Tom, “we’ll reconvene later.”  
“Eh,” said Crow, “I’m not really feeling up to it. Let’s table this.”

Jonah continued screaming as the familiar interior of his Backjack ship came into his view and he was plunked back down into his chair. The voice of TV’s Max, Son of TV’s Frank, played over his stereo system.  
“Mayday, mayday! This is Moon 13, we need your help!”  
“Somebody needs my help...” Jonah muttered under his breath. His impulsive actions from the day he got shanghaied onto the SOL were now permanently burned into his memory. It was like his own personal Groundhog Day loop at this point. Best to just get it over with at this point.

One intro later, Jonah found himself back on the Satellite’s bridge.  
Jonah ran up to Tom and Crow who were still in the same spots where they had been standing when he left, except now both robots were poring over old comic strip collections. “I’m back. Did the debate get resolved?”  
Crow spoke up. “If by resolved you mean we both got bored and decided to read up on old newspaper comics, then yes.”  
Tom shushed Crow. “I haven’t finished reading the first volume of Shoe yet!”  
A red button on the helm started flashing. Jonah immediately knew where this was going. “Hold on. Moon 13 is calling.”

A pair of familiar faces came into view: the fiery-headed, irritable face of Kinga Forrester, and the chubby, affable face of her assistant Max.  
“Time to earn your oxygen, Heston,” said Kinga. “We’ve got a lot to get done today, so... invention exchange. Go!”

Jonah grabbed a box of firecrackers from beneath the helm. “Fireworks: everybody loves looking at them, but the noise can be just unbearable. That’s why I’ve invented these Low-Volume Firecrackers, or as I like to call them, Fire-poppers.” Jonah called up to Gypsy. “Okay, Gypsy, prepare to launch! Cambot, give me rocket number nine!””

A flurry of bright lights shot out of the SOL’s rear hatch. There was an impressive display of bursting colors, but the loud bang that would normally have accompanied them was muted. They never would have admitted it, but Max and Kinga were impressed.

Crow chimed in. “A remarkable display that won’t put you at risk for tinnitus!”  
Tom also piped up. “And guaranteed to not scare small children, animals, or people with PTSD!”  
Jonah smiled. “What do you think, sirs?”

Kinga motioned for Max to go get her invention. “I think it’s our turn now. MAX!”  
Max returned. “Most major holidays are a commercial boon. The Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, you name it.”  
“But think of all the other holidays that are going underexploited. Flag Day, Earth Day, Labor Day.”  
“Well, no more. We’re introducing new mascots for the underappreciated holidays!” 

Max held up several cardboard cutout stands bearing cartoonish depictions clearly meant to represent said holidays. “We’ve got, uh, Flappy the flag, for Flag Day-”  
Kinga pointed out the next character. “Johnny the Hippie, our Earth Day mascot.”  
“Mike the Mechanic, representing Labor Day,”  
“And finally, for Memorial Day, the unknown soldier!” Kinga looked over at Max, who was not holding the soldier cut-out in his hands. “Where’s the unknown soldier?”  
“Ohhhh… I, uhh… I think I misplaced it-”  
“Max!”  
Max held out his hands, and began to start off. “Don’t worry, I’ll organize a search. Until then, he’s gonna be MIA, as the case were.”  
Kinga shook her head. “Well, Heston, your movie today is a crown jewel of infamously terrible remakes, one that takes the already campy Flash Gordon serials of the 1930s and says, let’s make this even more ridiculous. Prepare to enter the nightmare-fueled world of Flash Gordon!” Kinga signaled to Moon 14. “Send them the movie!”

Back on the SOL, Jonah and the bots were just waiting for the signal while Ardy flushed them the movie. “You know,” said Jonah, it’s actually kinda underwhelming without the bang-” The lights on the helm started flashing and an alarm blared out. “Oh, WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!” The doors to the theater slowly opened up, one by one. Jonah and the bots already knew they were in for a bad time,probably best to just get through this a quickly and painlessly as possible, so they ran to their seats.

The film opened, oddly enough, on a black screen with white text.

A narrator read out the words onscreen. “From 1929 to 1933 America had been ravaged by a merciless depression.”  
Crow spoke. “Then America took some xanax and it was all good.”  
“...One of the greatest moral builders was the creation of the superhero-”  
Jonah piped in. “Is this a movie or a college student’s paper on U.S. Pop Culture?”  
Tom: “Guys, I don’t know why but something seems off about this.”  
“Yeah, now that you mention it, I expected the Queen soundtrack to kick in a lot earlier than this.”  
Crow started getting impatient. “Yeah, come on, we don’t need a whole spiel detailing how Flash came to be, just get to the action!”

The film’s opening narration continued to scroll up. Eventually, the opening spiel reached its conclusion: “To these innovators and their fans throughout the world, we dedicate FLESH GORDON.”  
“Ooh,” said Tom, “That’s an embarrassing typo.”  
But as the words sat at the bottom of the screen, and the narrator even pronounced the title as such, Jonah, Tom and Crow became less certain that it was a typo…

The scene cut suddenly to a news reporter in what had to be the most sorry excuse for a recording studio ever. It was more like a frame of a recording studio set against a black backdrop, with a single microphone on the reporter’s desk. The reporter himself was wearing a white button-down shirt, a black hat, and an askew bowtie.  
“Somebody was in a hurry to get out the door this morning,” quipped Jonah.  
“-we have an incoming news flesh- flash!”  
Crow shook his head. “Boy, unprofessional of them to leave that outtake in like that.”

 

The next scene cut to a massive observatory, with an elderly scientist looking into a giant telescope.  
“Reminds me of my last visit to the optometrist’s,” said Jonah.  
A group of white men in suits sat staring impatiently at the man, evidently waiting for something to happen. “The test audience for this movie,” quipped Tom.  
The opening of the observatory closed, and the scientist turned towards his colleagues. “Gentlemen-”  
“I’m Peter Graves!” said Crow.  
“-we’re in big trouble.”  
The scene cut away to a newsboy selling papers on the streets of what was apparently supposed to be New York City, shouting at passersby to pay attention.  
“Extra extra, read all about it! Film’s plot has been set into motion!” said Tom.  
“World’s oldest Newsie takes up career in filmmaking!” said Jonah.  
“Extras have clearly been just standing off to the side waiting for their cue!” said Crow.  
Suddenly, red glowy lines began to appear on screen as the extras tumbled to the ground.  
“New York being attacked by a ten-year-old using MS Paint!” said Jonah.

The scene now cut back to a board of scientists sitting around a table, all arguing about rays which were apparently causing the people of the earth to do unspeakable things to one another.  
The head scientist made an observation: “Not all areas have been affected. Look around you! Are any of you… sexually aroused?”  
The sudden realization of what had happened hit all three moviegoers like a ton of bricks. This was not Flash Gordon.  
“Oh no…” said Tom. “Jonah, are- are we watching porn?”  
Jonah was horrified. “I think we might be.”  
“Oh boy, this is gonna be awkward,” said Crow.  
“I don’t want to watch bad porn in a theater, that’s what the internet is for!” said Tom.  
“Don’t worry, guys, maybe it won’t be so bad. We can power through this. Maybe Kinga will see she made a mistake and abort the experiment for today.”

Twenty minutes later…

Jonah, Tom and Crow took some time to process the film.  
“Jonah, I don’t even know where to begin,” said Tom.  
“Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I like porn as much as the next guy, but this movie is ridiculous,” said Crow. “So the aliens’ evil plan is to make everybody on Earth have sex? Why? Do they think it will make the planet easier to conquer than if they just killed everybody?”  
“And isn’t it just a little TOO convenient that the plane our jodhpur-wearing protagonist and his scantily-clad love interest was on just so happened to crash into a forest clearing where an astrophysicist just happened to be building a super-powered rocket?”  
“And what a rocket! He took the time to build it in the shape of a penis but not to make sure it wouldn’t buckle under the pressure of actual use in space flight?”  
Jonah shrugged. “Look, guys, I’m just as baffled as you are, honestly. Did Kinga not check to make sure this was the right movie?”

Kinga was not pleased at this turn of events. It was all she could do to keep herself from strangling Max out of frustration. “I ordered FLASH Gordon! I could have sworn I ordered the right movie! How did I end up with a campy porn parody of an already campy movie?”  
Max tried to offer an explanation. “I’ve been looking into the mix-up your Kinga-ness, and, uh, apparently this movie actually came out before the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. So it was, uh, more a parody of the original serials.”  
“Ughhh… how am I going to explain this to Netflix? They’ll never let us show this on their platform!”  
“Maybe we could market this as a lost episode and upload it to Pornhub?”  
“I… I don’t know, we’ll come up with a solution. In the meantime…” Kinga turned towards the viewscreen. “Heston, I’m sorry to do this to you- actually, no I’m not, what am I talking about? Whatever. You and your robot friends are going back into the theater.”

Jonah couldn’t believe it. “What? We have to keep watching Flesh Gordon?”  
“What’s the point?” asked Crow.  
“Haven’t we suffered enough?” said Tom.

“No, you haven’t. I started this experiment and in the name of the Forrester family, I will see it through to completion!”  
Max snickered.  
“Mark my words, from here on out, things are only going to get rougher.”  
Max tried to hold back his laughter.  
“And by the time we’re done you will be on the floor, completely at my mercy!”  
Max couldn’t contain his laughter anymore. Kinga rolled her eyes and just hit the movie sign button, sending Jonah and the bots, screaming, back into the theater.

Four minutes later…  
The movie’s protagonists, Flesh, Dale, and Dr. Jerkoff (yes, seriously) were running through a technicolor cave, staring at walls and rocks.  
“Looks like the set of a rejected EPCOT ride.” said Crow.  
The camera focused on Dr Jerkoff examining a rock, while Flesh and Dale walked through the scene, with their butts facing the camera.  
“CUT” yelled Jonah. “Jason, Suzanne, don’t walk in front of the camera!”  
“And what unusual formations and textures!” said the doctor.  
“The moon really IS made of cheese!” quipped Tom. “Why, they mocked me at the university, they said I was mad. But now who’s crazy, huh- WHOA!”  
While Tom was in the middle of his impassioned mad scientist diatribe, the doctor was sent flying offscreen by a rather phallic-looking stop-motion creature with one eye.  
“Oh good lord…” said Crow.  
“I feel sorry for the stop-motion animator who had to spend countless hours making this sequence,” said Jonah. “It is way more impressive than it has any right to be.”  
“What is it, Doc?” says Flesh.  
“Some species of penisaurus, I should think.”  
“Don’t see THOSE on display in the natural history museum,” said Crow.  
The cast on screen backed away from the creature… into the exact same set that had just been shown, where another penis creature poked out of the ground. No one was pleased.  
“Oh come on! That’s the exact same set!” yelled Crow.  
“You couldn’t even bother to change the camera angle?” said Tom.  
“Or, you know, try to insert a different shot in between so it wouldn’t be as obvious?” said Jonah.

The film, evidently trying to be cute, cut away to a shot of three inept alien guards trudging through a hallway.  
“I guess the Keystone cops relocated to Mars,” said Tom.

Meanwhile back in the action, Flesh and Dr. Jerkoff run away from the penis monsters, but Dale trips and is unable to get up.  
“Ah, help, I forgot how my feet work!” said Crow.  
Flesh and Jerkoff notice Dale in trouble, but another creature gets in their way.  
“And this is why you should spray for penisauruses during the summer,” said Tom.  
“Yeah,” said Jonah. “You ignore the problem while they’re small, they’re going to get bigger and it’s going to get worse.”  
One of the penis creature starts to bend over and smother Dale.  
“Oh no, he’s going to gently touch her to death!” said Crow.  
Flesh and Dr. Jerkoff, meanwhile, are still playing chicken with their own monster.  
“This is always so awkward,” said Jonah. “You know, you get in each other’s way, you can’t agree on whether to both go left or right…”  
This continues for sometime, while Dale keeps screaming about the creature trying to touch her.  
“When they said I’d be working with monster dicks, this is NOT what I pictured!” cried Tom.

Intercut of the same guards being clueless.  
“And here I thought Stormtroopers were terrible at security,” said Crow.

More playing chicken between Flesh and the penisaurus… all three viewers were getting tired at this point.  
“JUST GO AROUND HIM!” the three shouted in unison.

Fifteen minutes later…

Out on the bridge of the SOL, Tom and Crow engaged in a mock fight. Tom was wearing a flowing blue robe, similar to that worn in the film by Queen Amora, and later Flesh Gordon himself (long story), while Crow was dressed as one of Emperor Wang’s guards.  
The two robots fought with not even remotely convincing weapons, before stopping.  
“Wait…” said Tom. “Flesh Gordon?”  
“Doctor Jerkoff!” said Crow.  
“I thought you were Queen Amora!”  
“Well, the ship crashed, and these were the only clothes I could find aboard. Why are you dressed like one of Emperor Wang’s guards?”  
“I needed a disguise to escape the fortress!”  
“Well, I must say, you look nice. Bondage suits you, I think!”  
“You don’t look half bad in a dress there, little man. SO glad you finally got rid of those stupid jodhpurs.”  
Jonah appeared with a ding in a badly photoshopped ring of magic, made up to look like the actual Queen Amora.  
“Flesh Gordon. I have lived a wicked life and by killing me you have freed my soul. Now go destroy the evil Emperor Wang and save your girlfriend Dale.”  
“Whoa, whoa whoa,” said Tom. “Who said she was my girlfriend?”  
Jonah nearly broke character. “What?”  
“I mean, we shared what, maybe four scenes together?”  
“But you had sex with her on the rocket flight over!”  
“To be fair,” said Crow, “I did that too.”  
“Well, what about how you tried to save her when Wang was making the moves on her?”  
“Well, I was doing that more because he’s a pervert and I didn’t want him touching her,” said Tom. “I honestly think I have more romantic chemistry with Dr. Jerkoff so far.”  
Jonah didn’t know how to reply to this. “That’s- uh… I’m not sure if-”  
“No,” said Crow. “I totally get it. This movie already has plenty of guy on girl action, why can’t we have a scene where I go to town on Flesh?”  
Tom objected. “Hey, how come you get to be on top?”  
“Says the man wearing a dress.”  
“Oh, that’s it, come here you-”  
Before a fight could break out, movie sign went off and all three sped off towards the theater.  
“Wait!” yelled Jonah. “I need to get out of the magic ring!”

Twenty-something minutes later:

Jonah and the bots left the theater, disgusted at what had taken place just a few minutes before.  
Jonah could feel his skin crawl. “Oh, man. I know I’m usually the one trying to stay positive but my god, that scene in the underground cave…”  
Tom was disgusted by what he had seen. Porno he could handle. Scenes of attempted rape not so much. “I don’t know what the be offended by more: the movie’s depiction of lesbians, or the fact that we’re supposed to be rooting for a woman-punching protagonist.”  
Crow was shocked. “If this is what passed for porn in the seventies, I can see why the industry gets such a bad rap! Poor Suzanne.”  
“You know it’s bad when not even the incredible stop-motion work can wash away the terrible stain of what came before.” Jonah shuddered in pain.  
Back on Moon 13, Kinga and Max noticed the effect that the film was having on Jonah.  
“Wait, is the movie actually… breaking him?” asked Kinga, rhetorically.  
“I’m not sure. It looks more like they’re morally outraged but can’t actually think of a way to vent their specific frustration.”  
“Wait, no… I can’t let this happen. Not like this! This episode will never make it to air! I can’t have my test subject go insane in an unaired episode!” Kinga realized, suddenly, that despite every bone in her body telling her not to, she had to intervene. “Jonah, Tom, Crow, listen. I know that this film is really bad. I’m-” The word got stuck in her throat but she forced it out. “S-s-ssssssssorry! I’m sorry. I should have checked to make sure I had the right movie beforehand… If it is any consolation. I… believe in you guys.”

Kinga’s words of encouragement did not go unnoticed by the crew of the SOL.  
Jonah was oddly touched. “Aww… thanks, Kinga. That… that really helps a lot.”  
“Yeah, like somehow,” said Crow. “Just a simple word can make all the difference in the world.”

Even Max was affected. “I’m proud of you, Kinga. That… that took a lotta guts.”  
Kinga shoved away all these positive feelings coming her way. “Yeah, well, don’t get used to it. You three get back in the theater and tear that movie a new one so we can end this miserable experience!” Kinga pushed the button once again. The crew of the SOL charged once more into the fray, determined now more than ever to finish what they started.

Twenty more minutes later:

The movie was finally finished. And despite everything they had seen, they could rest easy in the knowledge that they would never again have to sit through another bad porno.

“I am never complaining about internet porn ever again,” said Crow.  
“I cannot believe that this is the kind of thing humans liked to watch for fun back in the 1970s,” said Tom, shaking his head.  
Jonah tried to offer up an explanation of sorts. “Well, to be fair, not a lot of people actually watched porn for the story back then.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Before the age of the internet revolutionized the pornographic industry as we know it, porn was mainly something that couples used to put on in the background while they got to experience the real thing.”  
“Oh, I get it!” said Crow. “So they would leave the film on in the background to set the mood, not pay attention to anything that was actually onscreen, and just screw each other senseless!”  
Tom brought up a counterpoint: “But if you were just going to have something on in the background, why not just play some smooth jazz music, or Barry White. You know, something that doesn’t involve visual stimulus of any kind?”  
Jonah once again attempted to explain. “Well, the thing about that is, if at any point the mood dies down, the film has an opportunity to kick things back into gear by showing something sexy.”  
“And what, pray tell, was so sexy about this film?”  
“Well, there’s the full frontal female nudity, and the…” Jonah struggled to think of other sexy parts of the film, but was just reminded of the grotesque stop-motion monsters, the attempted rape scenes, and the poorly choreographed orgy scenes. “Huh. Guess this movie really had no reason to exist.”  
“Well then,” said Crow. “I say it doesn’t exist. Let us never, ever, speak of this movie again.”  
“Agreed,” said Jonah and Tom.

Max and Kinga, looking on from Moon 13, also agreed. “Seconded.”  
Kinga took a deep breath. “Okay, from now on, we do more thorough checks on these movies to make sure we avoid situations like this in the future.” She noticed the Skeleton crew attempting to store the episode in the containment unit behind them. “No, no no! Do NOT put that in there. Go… put it in cold storage or something!”  
The boneheads shrugged and took away the episode to the nearest freezer, where it would probably stay forever.  
“Push the button, Max.”  
Max nodded, pushing the button and ending the transmission.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know I didn't cover the full movie. But in my defense, it is hard to come up with an entire hour-and-a-half-long riffing script by yourself in less than a month, especially when your source material has been loudly dubbed over in Russian. I might flesh this out (no pun intended) into something more akin to a full episode of MST if I had, perhaps, some co-riffers who would be willing to help me out. (Seriously, drop me a message if you're interested.) In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this little experiment of mine.
> 
> And remember, keep circulating the URL.


End file.
